January 2001
by Sheila Gibson

Paul Dickson’s book, What’s in a Name? Reflections of an Irrepressible Name Collector (Merriam-Webster, $14.95),  is a series of comprehensive compilations of baseball players’ nicknames, car model monikers and popular babies’ names of the last 100 years, anagrams, punny handles for actual stores and businesses, and selections from the largest documented collection of really real, really weird names inflicted on actual people. You might hate your middle name, but at least you can be grateful you’re not Epluribus Kitchen, Esther Oyster, or Oofty Goofty Bowman.

Skeptical readers of the book enjoy a special treat. Martin S. Kottmeyer, a collector of UFO literature, kept a record of the given names for the extraterrestrial beings encountered by humans in abduction adventures. He dutifully sent Dickson the fruits of his labors, a batch at a time, from the early ‘80s up until the book’s deadline in 1995. The full extraterrestrial census printed in What’s in A Name? pushes 500. Kottmeyer cautions the list is nowhere near complete.

Kottmeyer, a skeptic, told Dickson: “I suppose if you are an extraterrestrial and must have a name, these are as good as any. I must say, however, it is somewhat difficult to take seriously aliens with names like Knut, Oomaruru, Quamquat, or Luno. And would you want Caldon to take you away? I know I wouldn’t.”
It seems these advanced races can master the technology needed to fly themselves here and snag Earthling victims, but they can’t think up names for themselves that don’t sound like household cleaning products (Gary-Sol), new pharmaceuticals (Clyveen), or bad rock bands (Jitro Cletaw).

Some names sound more appropriate to illegal aliens than extraterrestrial aliens (Carmen del Playa, Don Alvaredo Quevada,  Mr. Ohoulihan). Other people might have been abducted by prank-playing neighbors (Andrew, Harold, John and Jill). It isn’t hard to deduce who Granfanda might be, nor is it difficult to conjecture that Orejano probably swooped in after his victim polished off a heavy, spicy Italian meal.

There were good dates (Dividia, Astra-Lari, Andromeda Rex), bad dates (Ameni of the Flashing Knives, Higlio Hogag, Zefta the Thief), and boring dates (Nah-9, Balmiston, Indrid Cold). Some aliens were just snobs: The Great Master, HONOR, I-am-what-I-am, Lady Master Meta, The One, and Master Truth mingled with humans for reasons known only to their too-highly-evolved-for-the-likes-of-us extraterrestrial selves.

God did put in an appearance, but he wasn’t that God, apparently – he was a resident of Alpha Centauri. Beelzebub, Lucifer, Michael, Jonah, Herod, and Jehovah, as well as Apollo, Saint Goo-Ling, Karma, Xenu, and Mary (from Mars) were counted among the several hundred named abductors.

“I must register my impression that aliens are much better off going without names altogether,” said Kottmeyer. “In the truly interesting UFO cases, the alien is always nameless.”

Filed under: Uncategorized, UFO